Take My Hand and Give Me a Reason to Start Again Meme

April 22, 2022 Posting Komentar

Honey songs are where we become our passion, our soul — and most of our worst ideas.

Nothing skilful tin come of this. Photo by Achim Voss/Flickr.

Throughout human history, oceans take been crossed, mountains have been scaled, and great families have blossomed — all because of a few simple chords and a melody that inflamed a heart and propelled information technology on a noble, romantic mission.

On the other hand, that fourth dimension you told that daughter yous just started seeing that yous would "catch a grenade" for her? Y'all did that because of a love vocal. And it wasn't exactly a coincidence that she suddenly decided to "lose your number" and move back to Milwaukee to "figure some stuff out."

"It's merely, my mom. You know? And Fifty.A. is and so hot in the summer. And aye, my mom." Photo via iStock.

That time you held that boom box over your caput outside your ex's house? You did that because of a love song. And 50 hours of customs service afterward, yous're still not dorsum together.

Love songs are peachy. They make our hearts shell faster. They inspire us to have risks and put our feelings on the line. And they give the states terrible, terrible ideas nigh how bodily, real-life human relationships should work.

They're amazing. So amazing. And besides terrible.

Hither are half-dozen honey songs that sound romantic but aren't, and 1 song that doesn't sound romantic but totally is:

1. "God Only Knows," by The Beach Boys

You lot tin can go on your "Surfin' Safaris," your "I Get Arounds," and your "Help me Rhondas."

When information technology comes to The Embankment Boys, "God But Knows" is where it'due south at. A lush garden of soft horns and breezy melody. A tie-dye swirl of sound. A landscape of haunted innocence with some of the near heartrending lyrics e'er committed to the back of a surfboard.

Youth! Youth! Youth! Photo by Hulton Annal/Getty Images.

Hither's why it sounds romantic:

I may non always love you

But long equally there are stars above you

Y'all never need to dubiousness it

I'll make you so certain about information technology

God but knows what I'd be without you

If you're traipsing through a meadow in a sundress with your honey and not playing "God Merely Knows" on your iPod, you should really stop and start over.

If you're lazily bumping a beach ball over a volleyball internet and "God Only Knows" isn't playing somewhere in the dorsum of your mind, you need to rethink the choices that got you to this point.

If you're a video editor compiling footage of grainy hippies frolicking in the mud and you're not underscoring it with the opening chords of "God Only Knows," you are doing it wrong.

Hippies, likely on their way to a mud frolic. Photograph past Colin Davey/Getty Images.

It's a vocal that just feels like love. Pure love. Young dearest. Love with a chill, kelp-y vibe.

What could be incorrect with that?

Here's why information technology'due south actually really, really unromantic:

In that location's nothing wrong with loving someone. Sending them flowers. Leaving over-the-height notes in their P.O. boxes. Stroking their pilus equally they autumn asleep while you whisper the complete works of Nicholas Sparks into their ear.

"Miles Ryan stood on the back porch of his house, smoking a cigarette..." Photo by hatchettebookgroup.biz.

Only there is such a thing as loving someone a skosh too much.

If you should ever leave me

Though life would even so go on believe me

The earth could evidence nothing to me

So what good would living do me?

Wait, I become information technology. Breakups suck. There's no getting around that. But skillful God.

There's a huge deviation betwixt saying: "Hey babe, yous are my commencement and foremost everything and I'll be bummed if you go." And saying: "Welp, yous accepted that job in Seattle, and so I'thousand but gonna chug a bunch of nightshade and call it a life."

But that'south pretty much the gist here. Which makes this line...

God but knows what I'd be without yous

...horror-movie creepy. Because the reply, plainly, is: "I'd be a corpse!"

Ah well. We had a good run. Photo via iStock.

That'due south not love. That'due south codependency (to put information technology mildly). Oh, and hey! Threatening to kill yourself if your partner leaves isn't loving. Information technology's a form of emotional abuse.

Investing all your happiness and sense of self-worth in whatsoever relationship — one that, by definition, might one solar day terminate — is putting a lot of eggs in one basket. Certain, God may merely know what you'd be without her, but God probably as well hopes you have, I don't know, some hobbies. Take a yoga form. Google some woodworking videos. Effort kite surfing.

"Yeah! Hell yeah! What was her proper name again?" Photo by Jim Semlor/Federal Highway Assistants.

I person cannot exist anyone'southward exist-all and end-all. Information technology's also stressful. And it prevents you from doing you, which is a thing that'southward gotta be washed before you tin practice anything else.

No wonder she took that job in Seattle.

2. "Treasure," by Bruno Mars

Sure, it's a breathy rip off of every Michael Jackson song you've ever heard. Just, we don't have Michael Jackson anymore, and as tribute acts go, you could practise a lot worse than Bruno Mars.

Look at that face. That confront! Photo by Brothers Le/Flickr.

Here's why the vocal sounds romantic:

Treasure, that is what you are

Honey, you're my golden star

Yous know you tin make my wish come true

If yous let me treasure you

If you let me treasure yous

Laissez passer those lyrics to anyone on a used napkin at an 8th-grade make-out political party and you'll likely get an instant cost laissez passer on the highway to tongue-boondocks (ew).

Pass them to your spouse and, chances are, appointment night is going to culminate in 47 minutes of chaste-nevertheless-passionate frenching.

Pass them to a cop who pulls you over for running a stop sign, and they will remember you're weird — but probably still brand out with you.

In fact, Bruno Mars basically has a lifetime pass to brand out with America because of this song.

This is what happens when you write "Treasure" and you're on phase with Michelle Obama. Photograph by Mandel Ngan/Getty Images.

And I'm OK with that.

But, here'south why "Treasure" isn't equally romantic as it seems:

Everything about "Treasure" is retro. Everything.

Including its attitudes almost gender.

"Children, have I ever told you what I shouted at your mother on the street the first time nosotros met?" Photo past Jacobsen/Getty Images.

Things outset to go s right from the very first:

Give me your, requite me your, requite me your attention, baby

I gotta tell you a fiddling something nearly yourself

Ah aye. Nix screams "respect" quite like a man lecturing a strange woman on the street about something she "doesn't know about herself."

What could information technology be? Could it exist that her jokes are funny? Could it be that she'south got something in her teeth? Could it be that her nonfiction volume most early modern German history is extremely detailed and informative?

"Thanks for educational activity me all about Martin Luther's bible!" Photo by Torsten Schleese/Wikimedia Eatables.

Spoiler Alert: It's none of those.

You're wonderful, flawless, ooh, you're a sexy lady

But you walk effectually here like you wanna be someone else

Oh. It'southward that she's sexy. Cool, bro. Very original.

Give-and-take of advice? Regardless of how she's walking, the lady knows she's sexy. Fifty-fifty if she doesn't, it really doesn't affect her day-to-twenty-four hour period and then much that you, a consummate stranger, need to shout it at her (even over a funky disco snare).

And then what if she does want to be someone else? I'd love to be someone else! I think existence Ryan Gosling would be quite squeamish. A proficient style to spend a three-day weekend.

Sure, there'd exist an adjustment menstruation... Photograph by Eamonn M. McCormack/Getty Images.

And then later, of course, the narrator tin't help himself:

Pretty girl, pretty girl, pretty girl, you should be grinning

A girl like y'all should never look and then blue.

He respects her so much, he'due south actually straight-up telling her to grinning! Much like Mars' grapheme "Uptown Funk," who appears to go off on angrily exhorting girls to "hitting [their] hallelujah." Which, you know, I gauge everybody's got a thing.

Yes, in the earth of "Treasure," a good for you relationship is an unending stream of a man complimenting a strange woman and said woman beingness then totally flattered that she immediately dispenses "the sex."

He then gain to talk to his potential lover like the globe's creepiest pirate:

You are my treasure, you are my treasure

Yous are my treasure, yes, you, yous, you, y'all are

You lot are my treasure, you are my treasure

Y'all are my treasure, yeah, you, you, you, you lot are

Past this point, in his heed, she'southward a literal thing. An object. Which is plumbing fixtures.

I suppose it could be worse, though. At least she'due south not just any matter.

GIF from "The Ii Towers."

That'south ... something, right?

3. "Don't Recollect Twice, Information technology's All Right," by Bob Dylan

For as long as humans have been dating each other, humans have been breaking up with each other. And "Don't Think Twice" is a portrait of a relationship going down in flames. Glorious, poetic, acoustic flames.

Bob Dylan, a guy who is good at writing songs that a lot of people similar. Photo past William Lovelace/Getty Images.

Hither's why it sounds romantic:

Well, information technology ain't no use to sit and wonder why, babe

Fifty-fifty you don't know by at present

And information technology ain't no utilise to sit down and wonder why, babe

It'll never do somehow

When your rooster crows at the break of dawn

Look out your window, and I'll exist gone

Yous're the reason I'1000 a-traveling on

Simply don't think twice, it'due south all correct.

Smash. Strummed on out of that friends-with-benefits situation like whoa.

"Don't Think Twice" is a raw song. An honest song. A powerful song. Information technology's the song your older sister played on continuous loop for six months afterwards her fellow left for college. The song that convinced your Aunt Roslyn to leave her depository financial institution-teller job, load her four Australian shepherds into the van, and open a wind chime store in Mendocino. The song your friend's cool dad ever wants to play when he invited your loftier school band over to his flat to jam.

"What timbre are you looking for?" Photo past Sharon Ang/Pixabay.

Sure, information technology's about the stop of a human relationship, only it sounds romantic. And at the end of the day, shouldn't that be plenty?

Here'southward why it'due south really sooooo messed up:

Relationships finish. For a lot of reasons. And while there is no right fashion to phone call it quits with someone, when the dust settles, both parties tin certainly do good from a difficult, honest word about what went wrong.

It'southward not me, Joan. Information technology's you. 100% you. Photo by Rowland Scherman/Getty Images.

In "Don't Think Twice," that discussion basically boils down to: "It's your fault."

Let's review the reasons the dude in "Don't Recall Twice" is splitting with his lady friend:

I gave her my centre, only she wanted my soul

Ugh, women, right? You're all like, "Infant, I but accept then much unspecified honey to requite," and she's similar, "Take out the trash!" And you're like, "But baaaaaaabe, shouldn't my middle be enough?" And she's like, "No, seriously. I already did the laundry, cleaned the whole house, fed the dog, did the dishes, and made both of our lunches for the calendar week. All I demand you to do is accept out the trash." And you're similar, "Yous're bumming me out. I'm gonna get play guitar." And then she gets all mad! What did you exercise? Why is she trying to change you? UGH!

You could have done ameliorate, but I don't mind

Yes. You do mind! You mind! You lot wrote a song nigh it, you passive-aggressive prick.

Yous only kinda wasted my precious time

Ah yes. Your time is so precious! Recall most all the hours y'all wasted plumbing the ocean-deep, ecstatic mysteries of man partnership when you could accept been futzing around with that dwelling-brew kit.

Yeah, this was worth it. Photo by Bill Bradford/Flickr.

The infinitesimal you start breaking it downwards, the message of "Don't Think Twice" all of a sudden starts to seem a lot less romantic. Like your sis's ex-beau, who worked at the Bass Pro Shop in town for a while and now might exist in jail. Like your aunt'due south wind chime store, which would have closed forever ago had she not received that inheritance from her mom in the '80s. Similar your friend'south cool dad, who wasn't exactly, technically, paying child back up.

"Y'all kids want a beer? No one'southward under 13, right?" Photograph via iStock.

Oh yeah, and the song'south narrator also indicate-blank refers woman he's leaving as:

A child, I'thou told

That'southward right. In addition to being a run-of-the-mill passive-ambitious jerk — turns out, he'south also perhaps a pedophile.

Fifty-fifty if we are to accept that this is a metaphor and she's not actually a child — which at that place'southward no indication it is, but OK, Bob Dylan — the fact that Commitmentphobe Gunderson here would willingly cull an young partner reflects manner more poorly on him than information technology does on her.

Breaking up with anyone in such a cruel, dismissive manner is a recipe for sticking them with years of therapy bills.

Which, I suppose, may be the point.

4. "Leaving on a Jet Airplane," by John Denver

Who has two thumbs and wrote a bittersweet folk vocal well-nigh hurtling through the stratosphere in a giant aluminum tube at 600 miles per hour?

This guy. Photo by Hughes Television Network/Wikimedia Eatables.

Here'due south why it sounds romantic:

"Leaving on a Jet Plane" is a lovely song. And impressive in its loveliness considering jet planes were yet kind of new at the time it was written.

'Crusade I'grand leavin' on a jet plane

To a modern ear, this would be sort of like singing, "I'm a scoooting away on my hoverboooooard," just in a way that'south somehow nevertheless folksy and heartbreaking and singable by 9-year-olds at summer army camp. Non easy to do!

Oh babe, I hate to go

You see — he hates to go! He only hates information technology! We know this, because he tells us he hates it. And why would he hate to go if he didn't love his partner simply that much?

Run into ya! Photograph by Altair78/Wikimedia Eatables.

Why indeed?

Hither's why it's actually not that romantic at all:

All the plaintive guitar, loping bass line, and twangy, melancholy warbling in the world can only distract and so much from the fact that the song's master character is well, kind of a jerkweed.

And in reality — surprise surprise! — it doesn't really seem like he hates being away all that much:

There's so many times I've permit you lot downwards

So many times I've played effectually

I tell yous at present, they don't mean a thing

"Babe, I hope! All the movies I watched alone while y'all were home nursing the quadruplets. All the times I drained our life savings on Zoo Zillionaire. All the random sexual practice I had with other women. Totally meaningless. Certainly fun to do! Actually fun. Like, I had a fantastic time. Only rest assured — completely empty, in an ontological sense."

"Every bit empty as this bed I but finished having sexual practice with someone else in." Photo via iStock.

Yes, when y'all break information technology down, "Leaving on a Jet Airplane," is less of a passionate tribute to love overcoming distance and more the deluded ramblings of a guy who needs to convince himself he's "good" despite all evidence to the opposite.

And for all he claims to be cleaved upwards about having to role from his one and only, the dude seems pretty excited about the flight. Oh, y'all're leaving on a jet aeroplane, are you lot? Are y'all Zone one? Gonna humblebrag on Twitter well-nigh the "terrible" Cibo limited salad y'all were forced to asphyxiate down every bit you lot sat waiting to embark on your fun, mysterious adventure?

"Life so difficult @ LGA #missingmybabe." Photograph by Gesalbte/Wikimedia Commons.

He continues:

Ev'ry place I go, I'll remember of you

Ev'ry song I sing, I'll sing for you lot

Ah cool. He'll call back about her while strumming and making "my dear is delicate equally the morning dew" eyes at a waif-y grad student in the forepart row. That pretty much makes upwards for information technology all.

So he demands:

So kiss me and smiling for me

Tell me that you'll await for me

After all the betrayal and heartbreak, after basically revealing himself to be a form-A sleaze who can't be trusted, he nonetheless has the gall to tell her to wait? To await for him?

And here's the kicker:

When I come up back, I'll bring your wedding ring

Ah yes. He'll put a ring on it. Finally.

"Ehhhhhhh...." Photo via iStock.

Unlike all the previous trips, where he's cheated a billion times, tuckered the family depository financial institution account, and just been a general screwup and disappointment.

But yeah. This time he says he'll bring back a wedding ring.

I hope she joins a polyamorous octad and never looks back.

5. "When a Man Loves a Woman," Percy Sledge

When yous look upwardly "soul" in the dictionary, the volume plays you a recording of this vocal.

Percy Sledge, having a few thoughts. Photo by Gene Pugh/Flickr.

Specifically, it plays you the very offset line.

Hither's why information technology sound very romantic:

When a man loves a adult female

Sure, you can write the lyrics down, but information technology doesn't fifty-fifty come up close to capturing the heartache. The yearning. The delicious, succulent pain-belting:

WHEN A Homo LOVES A WOMAN

Closer ... just still no.

WHEN A MAAAAAAAN. LOVES A WOOOMAN!

Aye! Sing it, Percy Sledge!

Information technology's an elemental lyric.

It'south a heart-shattering lyric.

It'southward a lyric that demands you put your back into it.

Information technology's perfection.

As long every bit you don't keep listening.

Here's why the song is actually pretty horrifying:

From the opening lines of "When a Man Loves a Woman," we know that, at to the lowest degree on occasion, a homo loves a woman.

Which raises the question: What happens when said man loves said woman?

He'd give upwards all his comforts

And sleep out in the rain

If she said that'south the way

It ought to exist.

Whoa! OK. No. Back up. A human being, no affair how devoted, no matter how selfless, no matter how in love, needs shelter. Otherwise, a man will die of exposure and hypothermia.

Turn his back on his best friend if he put her down.

No! Jeez. No. A human being can't put up with that kind of isolating behavior. A human needs friends! Once a homo'south whole support system erodes out from under him, a man will be biting, ungrounded, and alone. And a man'south mental health will deteriorate.

I gave you everything I accept

Tryin' to concur on to your heartless dear

Baby, please don't treat me bad.

This is not what happens "when a man loves a woman." It'southward what happens when a human loves a decision-making, manipulative woman. An abusive woman. A adult female who, in truth, but loves a woman. Herself.

"It'southward Chris or me." Photo by geralt/Pixabay.

And that's non healthy.

Run, Percy Sledge, run! We're hither for you.

(Side notation: Lest it get unsaid, there is way more than ane mode for a human being to love a woman. Maybe they spend every waking moment cuddling and bopping each other on the nose. Perchance they sleep in carve up bedrooms. Maybe they dress up in large, costly true cat costumes and refer to each other Mr. and Mrs. Kittyhawk. And when a man loves a man, I imagine it feels much the same. Or when a woman loves a woman. Or when a gender nonconforming person loves a gender nonconforming person.)

Regardless of the depth of delivery, living state of affairs, or combination of genders or sexual orientations, there's no 1-size-fits-all love solution. Every relationship is a unique snowflake. Variety is the spice of life. Necessity is the mother of invention. There's more than one mode to skin a cat. A spoonful of carbohydrate helps the medicine go down.

Information technology doesn't matter if it's the right metaphor, every bit long every bit it's a metaphor. Photo by Rosmarie Voegtli/Flickr.

Point being: Generalize at your peril, Sledge. And delight, seek help! You lot can do this! And if you e'er find yourself in a like situation, delight give these people a call.

half dozen. "All I Wanna Practise is Brand Love to You," Heart

Honestly, Heart could sing a list of the most popular AllRecipes ("Jaaaamie's Cranberry Spinach Saaaaalad/World's Best Lasaaaaagna/Sour Creeeeeam Cutouts") and it would make me want to bark my eyes out in the arms of a tall, night stranger at the end of a pier.

This song is perfect. You should always be listening to it. If y'all're not listening to it at present, smack yourself in the face and Google it. Information technology'south just that important.

I am singing the phone book. Y'all are weeping like a tiny baby. Photo by FatCat125/Wikimedia Commons.

So much passion. And so much pain. And so much hair.

Hither's why it sounds romantic:

Over pounding drums and a soaring melody, Heart sisters Nancy and Ann Wilson deliver a fundamental tribute to the one truthful romantic fantasy shared past every living existence on Earth: picking upward an unnervingly attractive man for i night of mind-blowing sexual activity and then releasing him dorsum into the wild to bone — but never quite as compellingly ever over again.

They sing:

It was a rainy night when he came into sight

Standing by the route, no umbrella, no coat

And so I pulled upwardly alongside and I offered him a ride

He accepted with a smiling and so nosotros drove for a while

I don't have to continue because you know what happens side by side, and it'due south awesome.

"I only sit in this motel. Counting the days since. Counting ... the ... days." Photo by Rene Asmussen/Pexels.

Now, here's why this song is not romantic at all:

The human relationship in "All I Wanna Exercise" seems also good to be true. And information technology is. Considering information technology'southward not an equally loving ,or fifty-fifty as lusty, pairing at all.

It'south a...

It's a...

Well. You know what it is:

Good at recognizing no-win situations and delicious with lemon?! Photo by Pikawil/Flickr.

For a while, things are bustling along simply fine, like any wholesome, illicit, anonymous affair should:

I didn't ask him his name, this lonely boy in the rain

Fate, tell me information technology's right, is this love at showtime sight?

Sure, many of u.s. might hesitate to pick up a strange leather-jacket-clad man standing on the side of the road for a no-strings-attached spiral, simply our narrator just has a feeling about this guy, and sometimes, you gotta get with your gut.

I can respect that.

Nosotros made magic that night

He did everything right

Great! Seems like it was a good decision. Bonking the hitchhiker is payin' off big time.

Only then, without warning, the song starts to sound less like an all-time great romance and more like a story men's rights activists tell each other as they vape effectually a campfire:

I told him "I am the flower, you are the seed

We walked in the garden, we planted a tree

Don't try to find me, please don't yous dare

Just live in my retentivity, y'all'll always be there"

I'chiliad not a poet. Symbolic language ofttimes eludes me. But unless "flower," "seed," "garden," and "tree," all of a sudden mean wildly unlike things in the context of human reproduction than they accept since sex was beginning invented in the early on-1970s, nosotros're talking about a surprise, non-mutually-consensual pregnancy!

HELLO! Photo by Avsar Aras/Wikimedia Commons.

Of class, metaphors are opaque, interpretations vary, etc., etc., etc. Yous might be tempted to call back, "Possibly Centre meant something else by that."

To that I say, no, they definitely meant it:

So it happened one day

We came round the aforementioned way

You tin can imagine his surprise

When he saw his own optics

In that location are ii possibilities here.

Ane: The narrator of the song is recently-deceased Jerry Orbach from this creepy New York Urban center subway advertizement from nine years ago:

Photograph past eyedonation.org.

Or two: She totally conned a dude into whipping up a baby on the sly.

I said, "Please, please understand

Ah, sure. Yeah. No worries.

I'm in love with another man

Absurd, so this all makes sense and is in no way the nightmarish scheme of a deranged sociopath who has at present wrecked not i but two lives.

And what he couldn't give me, oh, no

Was the ane little affair that you can"

A HUMAN LIFE! A Real SENTIENT Human LIFE THAT IS Not INCIDENTAL TO ALL OF THIS!

The best you can say about that is that information technology's not technically illegal, and that leather-jacket man probably should take been responsible for his own birth control. Or, at the very least, asked more questions .

Simply ... information technology's not cute. Information technology's not romantic (even the Wilson sisters themselves hold).

And at the stop of the solar day, the shadiest grapheme in this song is somehow not the rain-soaked hitchhiker wandering to nowhere in the night.

Which... is saying something.

But at that place is a love vocal that is truly, madly, securely perfect. An unassailable track in a ocean of problematic faves.

A song that does everything right.

A song that paints a portrait of a healthy partnership built to last.

A song that can double as a manual for the platonic human romantic relationship.

And that song is...

"Candy Shop," by 50 Cent, featuring Olivia

Here's why you might exist — OK, most definitely are — skeptical:

50 Cent (L) and that guy. You know, that guy? That guy! Photo past Ethan Miller/Getty Images.

As catchy equally "Candy Shop" is, as fun information technology is to trip the light fantastic toe to, and as cathartic as it tin be to scream in the center of a crowded fraternity firm at 2 a.1000., at that place'south no getting around the fact that the vocal begins similar this:

I'll take you to the candy shop

I'll let you lick the lollipop

I'll post that again, in case you missed some of the dash:

I'll have you to the candy shop

I'll let yous lick the lollipop

Way to take 1 for the team, narrator of "Candy Shop"!

At first glance, "Candy Store" is nobody's idea of a classic dear song.

The lyrics are ... unusually frontward. The beat is kinda basic. The claw is like the music they play when Abu Nazir sidles scarily by in "Homeland."

OooooOOOOoooooOOOo. GIF from "Homeland."

It doesn't get played much anymore. When it does resurface, information technology feels ... kinda dated. Like watching that DVD of "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire" on your new Xbox 360.

Information technology's not a song you'd put on a mixtape for your vanquish. It'south non a song you'd play for your spouse when the kids are at home with the babysitter and you've got nine hours to tear up the Piscataway Hampton Inn. It'south certainly not a song you'd include on the video photo montage y'all made for your grandparents' silver anniversary.

It'due south just not.

Just it should be.

So here information technology is. Here's why "Candy Store" past 50 Cent, featuring Olivia, is really the perfect relationship song:

You wanna back that thing upwards or should I push button up on information technology? Photograph past ionasnicolae/Pixabay.

The bass drum hits. The MIDI violins whine. The singer starts filling out his fellatio permission skid. It's only been 20 seconds, and y'all're already getting ready to hang it up with "Candy Store."

Just then ... over the square thrum and the mewling strings, a miracle occurs — in the form of a female voice joining the rail, cutting through the din like a blaring call.

She sings:

I'll take you to the candy store (aye)

Male child, one taste of what I got (uh-huh)

I'll take you spendin' all you got (come on)

Go along going 'til you hit the spot, whoa

Information technology's mutual! It's mutual! They're performing oral sexual activity on each other!

Ring the bells! Bang the drums! Release the doves!

Go, cunnilingus doves, go! Photograph past liz west/Flickr.

50 Cent himself may not be the globe's greatest partner — for example, according to one of his exes, he's done some pretty unforgivable things.

Just the narrator of "Candy Shop"? He gets information technology:

Yous could have it your way, how do you lot want information technology?

Rather than simply imposing his desires on the person he'southward with — a la the dude in "God Just Knows ("I'm going to invest my unabridged sense of self-worth in yous!") or the street heckler in "Treasure" ("I'm going to treat y'all like a chest total of gilt doubloons!") or the sociopath in "All I Wanna Do is Brand Dearest to You," ("I'm going to pull a fast one on you into knocking me upwardly!") — the "Candy Shop" guy really asks his partner what she wants.

Which, in the world of popular music, is skillful for about 50,000 trillion points.

And where are they going to do it? The hotel? Back of the rental? The beach? The park?

It's whatsoever you're into

'Cause consent is sexy!

I ain't finished education you lot 'bout how sprung I got ya

The narrator of "Candy Shop" is certainly ... assertive about his desires.

Only here's the key thing: the lady on the receiving stop of those desires? She's clearly into it. And nosotros know this because she says and so.

The lines of consent in "Candy Shop" are brilliant red, highlighted, and soldered into the weirdly sticky club floor.

Meanwhile, Robin Thicke is outside trying to convince the bouncer that his uncle is a lawyer. Photo past Grim23/Wikimedia Commons.

Daughter what we do ...

And where we do ...

The things we do ...

Are but between me and yous

No affair how nasty they freak, it will be intimate. It will exist private. In that location will be no revenge porn (the epilogue to "Blurred Lines," to wit, would definitely be a protracted, emotionally devastating lawsuit).

If you be a nympho, I'll be a nympho

Sexual compatibility is key to the survival of any relationship, whether years, weeks, or (very perchance in the case of "Candy Store") minutes long.

She may have a high sex bulldoze, but dude is graciously offering to accommodate her. What a admirer! These crazy kids just might go the distance later all.

And at the terminate of the day, what is a relationship but two nymphos, sharing health insurance?

Thanks, Obamacare! Photo by Wonderlane/Flickr.

Information technology's like it's a race who could become undressed quicker

Again, everybody is having a great time. And, critically, an equally great time.

I touch the correct spot at the right time

Of class, it wouldn't be a popular/hip-hop hit without a spot of random braggadocio, but if we're to have him at his discussion, "Candy Store" guy is at least equally good at "doing everything right" as the anonymous hitchhiker from "All I Wanna Do is Brand Love to You" — except without all the creepy surprise infant nonsense.

The "Candy Shop" guy is a keeper. Considering he's not a hero or a stranger in the night or a funky, shimmering love god. He'due south a good partner.

"Candy Shop" is raunchy. It's dirty. It's not your grandmother'south love vocal.

Merely when you strip abroad the swagger, the back beat, and the weird strings from "Best of Public Domain Middle Eastern Music 1993," by the cease of the song, both people are satisfied. And at the end of the day, isn't that what a salubrious relationship is all about?

Aye.

Uh-huh.